Q: What exactly is this "B&D/S&M-Fetish thing"?

The most important point to understand about B&D/S&M, and its component parts B&D, D/s, and S&M - is that there is no absolute, right way to "do" B&D/S&M. Every person involved in these activities will give you a different perspective of what is and isn’t B&D/S&M and how it should or shouldn’t be done. We aren’t talking about a science here, although there are certainly elements of B&D/S&M that require specialized knowledge or training or precision in carrying out activities. B&D/S&M is about relating to others--and those others are individuals with different perspectives, backgrounds, needs and desires.

If you are new to this system of relationships, you will want to know the basics--where to get started. There is a jargon to B&D/S&M and most people who are involved in the lifestyle will agree to some general definitions and explanations. If you don’t know the terms and the structures, you can feel like everyone is speaking another language and that maybe this is too complicated to be fun., add your own experiences to the mixture, and begin to develop your own model of what B&D/S&M is to you. Just remember that there is always someone out there who will define things differently.

Q: I see the phrase "B&D/S&M/Fetish"---where do the handcuffs and whips fit in??

"B&D/S&M" is shorthand for an entire system of sexual and relationship activities that may comprise only one of the component parts or be a blending of several. B&D/S&M is comprised of B&D, D/s, and S&M. These are generally accepted to mean Bondage & Discipline or Domination, Domination/submission, and Sadism & Masochism. You may also see people refer to it as BDSM, or D/s-BDSM or simply refer to just one aspect, such as saying "I do S&M."

Bondage & Discipline or Domination is where the handcuffs come in handy. In this type of B&D/S&M, one partner will confine or restrict the other’s movement or access to one or more senses. Blindfolds, gags, ear plugs, hoods, sensory deprivation, mummification, and so on, limiting the use of one or more senses in order to heighten the experience of the others. Handcuffs, chains, collars, cells, cages, corsets, ropes, stockades, etc. restrict movement and confine a person’s reactions thereby focusing the attention on the partner or activity. Bondage is most often used in the context of Discipline or Domination. In Discipline activities, one partner is punishing the other by locking them up and restricting their movement. This can also be a prelude to or incorporated into S&M activities where pain is inflicted once the one being punished is restrained from escape. In Domination activities, the un-restrained partner uses bondage as a tool for controlling the bound one.

Domination/submission involves the assumption of control over one partner by the other. The submissive surrenders control to the Dominant. This control can be limited to certain aspects of the submissive's life, to the duration of a single scene, or can extend to allowing the Dominant to control all of the submissive’s activities, physical body, and emotional self. For many, D/s is about sexual control--the dominant dictating when and how a submissive may achieve sexual pleasures and release and using that submissive to achieve her own pleasure and satisfaction. But D/s can also be about a submissive dressing, speaking, moving--doing everything in his/ her power to please his/ her Dominant or under strict rules designed by the Dominant. D/s often employs bondage and/or S&M as part of the dynamic. A disobedient submissive may be bound or spanked (or both!) as punishment or just to affirm that the dominant has the power to use the submissive however she chooses.

Sadism & Masochism utilizes physical pain to achieve pleasure and satisfaction. A sadist (also referred to as a top) inflicts pain on a masochist (also know as the bottom) and both get what they want and need. S&M can be played out in a one-time scene between strangers or as part of a long-term, loving relationship between two consenting adults. This is where whips, floggers, quirts, paddles, canes, clamping devices, racks, and other "tools of torture" come into play. Anything that causes discomfort or pain up to the limit the bottom can endure may be employed. Tops are said to be "playing" the bottom by using a variety of instruments in the course of a scene in order to provide the bottom with a variety of pain sensations. S&M can be enhanced by bondage which limits senses or movement or use elements of D/s if the partners so choose.

Q: Where does "power exchange" fit in all this?

All forms of B&D/S&M are about the exchange of power. A submissive or bottom gives power to the dominant or top in order to create a "scene." In an S&M context, the emphasis is on pain with the bottom giving the top the power to hurt her in order to bring them both pleasure (which may or may not be sexual in nature). In the case of D/s, the dynamic is more about controlling the submissive's actions and reactions. The exchange of power between a dominant and submissive can become a lifestyle--with the submissive giving power to control her daily life beyond the scenes the two share. Again, sexual pleasure may play only a small part (or no part at all) in the D/s power exchange. Total Power Exchange (TPE) involves a submissive giving up all control of her life to her dominant--including career choices, interactions with friends and family, and even the right to leave the dominant.

Q: What does "safe, sane, & consensual" have to do with BDSM?

SSC is the credo of the BDSM community. The idea is to protect new comers from abusers and help anyone starting a new relationship to understand the risks involved in power exchange relationships. The concepts are simple: always be aware of physical safety for all players, be aware of emotional and psychological reactions that might cause damage and don't attempt things that are too fantastic to be possible (stay grounded in what is realistic/sane), and, most importantly, always obtain clear consent of all parties before beginning a scene of any kind. As relationships evolve, a dominant and submissive may push the edges of some of these elements, but it will only be after they have established a deep sense of trust and have clear, reliable channels of communication between them.

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